Surviving the Season: A PDA Guide to Holiday Demands (Copy)
In this post:
Naming the layered demand of the holidays — why "the holidays" is really dozens of small demands stacked together
Tradition as inherited obligation vs. tradition as choice — traditions were made by people, they can be remade too
Boundaries as self-respect, not rejection — boundaries don't require a justification
For those without family, estranged, or spending it alone — this gets its own real space, not a footnote
What "demand stack" means
PDA demands aren't limited to direct requests from another person. Grow Therapy notes that demands can come from many directions at once, describing how demands include internal body cues or thoughts, stated requests from others, and implied expectations communicated through body language, tone, or assumptions. Psych Central adds that demands can even nest inside each other, pointing out that demands can include "demands within demands," such as the expectations and requirements that come with attending an event. A single holiday invitation can carry a dozen of these nested inside it: the travel, the timing, the outfit, the small talk, the "right" reaction to a gift. That's what we mean by a demand stack: not one hard day, but many linked demands arriving at once, each one capable of triggering avoidance on its own. Recognizing the stack is the first step to being able to take it apart. Grow TherapyPsych Central
1. Naming the layered demand of the holidays
Most holiday advice treats "the holidays" as a single event to brace for. For a PDA adult, it's rarely one demand, it's a demand stack, and each layer can trigger avoidance on its own, even if you'd genuinely enjoy parts of the day if they showed up individually and on your own terms.
Strategies:
Break the stack apart on paper. List every individual demand inside "the holidays" (the drive, the dinner, the gift exchange, the small talk, the overnight stay) and decide on each one separately instead of accepting or declining the whole bundle at once.
Pick your yeses deliberately. You don't owe an all-or-nothing answer. Saying yes to the meal and no to the overnight stay is a complete, valid plan.
Build in an exit before you need one. Decide your leave time in advance, even if you never use it. Knowing there's a door lowers the felt pressure of the whole event.
Watch for demands within demands. Even a beloved tradition can carry a second, invisible demand, like performing enthusiasm about it. Notice when the tradition itself is fine but the performance around it is the actual trigger.
2. Tradition as inherited obligation vs. tradition as choice
A lot of holiday guilt isn't really about the event, it's about tradition being treated as sacred rather than optional. Somewhere along the way, "we've always done it this way" became "we must always do it this way," and for a PDA nervous system, an unquestionable demand is the hardest kind. Traditions were made by people, at some point, for some reason. That means they can be remade by people too, including you.
Strategies:
Separate the tradition from the meaning behind it. If a tradition is really about connection, there may be a lower-demand version that gets you the same meaning without the same cost.
Try "this year" language instead of permanent decisions. "This year I'm doing it differently" is easier to say and hear than "I'm ending this forever," even if it becomes permanent later.
Give yourself permission to keep some traditions and drop others. You don't have to overhaul the whole holiday to change the one part that's actually the problem.
Notice who the tradition is really for. Some traditions exist for the person keeping them going, not for you. That doesn't make them wrong, but it does make them optional for you to carry.
3. Boundaries as self-respect, not rejection
Boundaries during the holidays often get framed as something you owe an explanation for. They don't require one. A boundary is information about what you can hold, not a referendum on how much you love someone.
Strategies:
Use short, honest scripts instead of long justifications. "I'm not going to make the big dinner this year, but I'd love to see you before the holidays" says what's true without opening a debate.
Decouple presence from participation. You can be at an event without joining every part of it: stepping out during the loudest hour, skipping the gift exchange, eating beforehand so the meal itself is lower stakes.
Let "no" be a full sentence when it needs to be. Over-explaining a boundary often invites people to argue with the explanation instead of respecting the boundary.
Expect some pushback and plan for it. A boundary that gets tested isn't a sign it was the wrong boundary, it's a normal part of a family adjusting to a new pattern.
4. For those without family, estranged, or spending it alone
This part of the holidays gets the least written about, and it deserves real weight, not just a line at the end. Whether it's estrangement, distance, loss, or simply not having the kind of family the season assumes everyone has, being outside the "going home for the holidays" narrative carries its own particular ache, especially set against a season saturated with images of full tables and happy reunions.
Strategies:
Let it be both true things at once. Relief and grief can coexist, especially with estrangement. You don't have to resolve the feeling into one clean emotion before the holiday arrives.
Build a tradition that belongs to you, not a replacement for what you don't have. A solo tradition doesn't have to imitate a family one to count, it can be entirely its own thing.
Consider chosen family and community deliberately, not as a last resort. Friends, neighbors, a support group, or online community can hold real holiday weight, not just fill in a gap.
Protect yourself from the social media performance of the season. A feed full of everyone else's "perfect" holiday is a curated demand stack of its own. Muting, unfollowing, or logging off for a stretch is a legitimate boundary too.
Reach out on purpose, don't wait to be reached. Isolation compounds quickly this time of year. A standing plan, even something small like a weekly call or a set day to check in with someone, can be more protective than waiting for the holiday itself to feel manageable.
Sources
Grow Therapy, "Navigating pathological demand avoidance" — growtherapy.com
Psych Central, "PDA Autism: Definition, Signs, and Coping Tips" — psychcentral.com